How many times with it take?

I want to start by saying that I am very very drunk right now. But I need to get this off my chest.

Once again, I am heartbroken. I have been best friends with a guy -who's nickname will be Dorian- for many months now. We started having feelings for eachother in January, and we finally did something about it 2 weeks ago. We kissed for the first time and it was magical. We slept (no sex) together the day before I left the country for 11 days. It was so nice being able to share that with him. He told me that he loved me. Of course my natural reaction was somewhat shocked so I told him that I cared about him too! I would never admit the L word to someone. NO WAY! So anyway, I leave the country, and while I'm overseas, he tells me that he wants us to go back to just being friends. Defensive Me kicks in and tells him to piss off, naturally. I just got home and he tells me that he's been talking to another girl!!! Another girl that he deeply cares for and wants to date!! Because he thinks that it could be something special! Im sorry, didnt you just tell me that you loved me two weeks ago?!?!?! Did I mention that she is my friend?! And that she is my best friends roommate?!?!? Yep. So I told him it was totally fine and that our time together didnt mean anything. I dont know if he bought it, but he was playing along. We all went out tonight for St. Patty's day, and guess who was there!! Yessss! And they were holding hands! And being all cuddly together! It was truly sickening. I felt terrible for the super attractive guy trying to get in my pants. He was trying so hard, but I just wasnt feeling it. Dorian had all of my attention. Im finally home. Sad. Alone. Texting him. He wants things to go back to how they were before. That cant ever happen. Things have changed too much. I would never admit to how much he has hurt me. It wont change anything, so what's the point? So instead, I tell you. I feel as though my heart has been crushed. More than with any other guy. Because Dorian was one of my best friends. So how could he do this to me? Is he seriously just a complete moron?! I know he doesnt deserve me.... like most of the guys that I date. So does that say something about me? Every single guy that I have dated for the last year, has left me for another girl. Is there something wrong with me? My best friend says I intimidate them , because I hold them to a higher standard than they hold themselves. Or could it be that Im just not good enough? What can you do when your good isnt good enough? When all that you touch tumbles down? How many times will it take for me to get it right...?

Dein Blaues Auge

Your blue eyes hold still
I look into their depths
you ask what I want to see?
I see myself well again.
One blazing pair of eyes burned me
and the feeling from it still hurts
though yours are as clear as a lake,
and, like a sea, so cool.

''Dein Blaues Auge'' by Brahms

The corners of my mind...

This is an essay I recently wrote as an admissions essay to a university I want to attend next semester, and I wanted to share it. :) I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This is a little glimpse into the thoughts of Kelly.

Black eyeliner, red lipstick, bright pink blush. As I stare into the mirror, I see a character that belongs in the 1930s, and witness a backdrop of dozens of actors and singers preparing to take the stage. Props and tights fill every seat, while the strong scent of hairspray fills each dressing room. My tiny space of the dressing room is nicely decorated with flowers, and cards from loved ones wishing me a good show, and a note from Ossie saying “Break a leg, sis” taped to my mirror. It’s the night that had been in preparation for 4 months. My first lead role. Trial by Jury. The music was witty, and tuneful, two main characteristics for a Gilbert & Sullivan production.
“5 minutes to places” says Dave the stage manager as he walks by the long hallway of dressing rooms. Ms. Jamison walks over to me to make sure I’m warmed up, and takes me to the piano in a back room to do some soft vocal exercises. During the D Major scale, Dave stage manager walks by again and says “ok, Kelly, places,” and I know its time. My heart is pumping faster and faster, and those little butterflies flicker in my stomach. The moment has come. The moment I have been anticipating my whole life. The moment I can truly call myself an opera singer. All of these thoughts are running through my head, while it feels like a wild stallion is about to jump from my chest. As I get closer to the stage, I can hear the tuning of the strings, and the brass section talking about their plans for hitting the bars after the show.
I take a peek through the side curtain, and I see my parents and Ossie sitting in the 5th row. Everyone around me backstage is screaming, and jumping, and singing, and then suddenly, the audience breaks into applause. The conductor has arrived. I stare at the stage from the left wing, admiring the work of the technicians as the set looks fantastic, and the audience goes silent. The music starts. The overture is short, so I must remember my entrance. The curtains rise, and the choir goes on. The dancers are twirling, and the tenor takes the stage. My body is frozen, my knees quivering. My mind is racing, and my heart is about to pop out of my chest. I ask God to watch over me and to help me be the best that I can be. I ask for peace, and to savor each and every moment on that stage. My intro starts, and I suddenly feel at peace. No butterflies, no wild stallion, just peace. I walk onto the stage and feel the bright lights shining down on my face. All of my insecurities stayed in that left wing, and I am home. It all feels so natural. I sing my first lines, and I know that the night is going to be a success.
45 minutes later, as it is a very short opera, we are making our curtain calls, and the baritone and I are waiting for out turn to walk onto the stage to receive our applause. He walks out and you can hear the audience get a little louder. And now it’s my turn. “don’t trip… don’t trip…” I think to myself, and I walk gracefully across the set. Reaching the front of the stage I notice the audience rising to their feet, and I glance down to my family. My mother with tears in her eyes, and my father just clapping his heart out. Ossie with a look of pride telling his neighbor “that’s my sister!” The curtain goes down, and I immediately get rushed by the rest of the cast and the crew. With all of the congratulations and greetings, I can’t hear a thing, as I am wishing the show wasn’t really over.
Walking out of my empty dressing room, I look back and see a room that was once inhabited by artists, and racks of costumes. The backstage is now dead with silence, as all you can hear is the sound of brooms brushing against the floor as the janitors clean up. I take a stroll across the wings, with my bags in hand, and walk out onto the empty stage. I look out into the house, and see the technicians at the very end packing up their equipment. The bright lights are off, and there is not a sound. Standing in the center of the stage of an empty opera house, I breathe it all in. I thank God for giving me the opportunity, as I know I will be here again. Walking away, I stop and look back. Teary eyed, I say to myself, “This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”

-Kelly

Starting Fresh

So I havent given this much thought... as this is usually how it goes when I decide to start something new. I have to give some credit to my buddy Erik for inspiring me with his [super short] blog, which can be read at erikbustillo.blogspot.com. :)





I cant promise to write everyday... BUT I can promise to write atleast every week. I have a life people! Jay-Kay Jay-Kay. I know you serial bloggers have lives!!





The blog title was inspired by my super cool co-worker Bernie. Coco Rain was actually a name reserved for one of my daughters... but being that she probably wont come for another 10 years I figured I would change my mind about that name by the time she does. hehe I was sharing my ideas for baby names to my friends at work, and Bernie found that name HILARIOUS and has decided that my name is no longer Kelly, but is in fact, Coco Rain. So kudos to you Bern!





Each entry will be different. Each entry will reflect on my mood and attitude at that one moment....and since my mood is constantly changing, I can promise that this blog will be VERY entertaining. From low lows, to high highs, and everything in between. And I promise to add a new quote of the day with each new entry (im really into quotes). And if im feeling creative... which is usually the norm... I might just write a little story, fresh from my very own over active imagination.








Starting a blog is a big responsibility, you know! Its a commitment. A commitment to myself, and a commitment to my readers. And since I have a [minor] problem with commitment, I am opening myself up to you... to the universe*.To truly let myself be free. Free from the walls that I have built over the past two years. The walls that I use to "protect" myself from others. Well, enough. Enough. Ive had it with "protecting" myself from the harmful things of life. Because by "protecting" myself from pain and loss, im keeping myself from truly feeling anything at all.





So heres to feeling once again. Heres to writing! Heres to living...









<3 ,

Kelly











* - love ya Ama!