I want to start by saying that I am very very drunk right now. But I need to get this off my chest.
Once again, I am heartbroken. I have been best friends with a guy -who's nickname will be Dorian- for many months now. We started having feelings for eachother in January, and we finally did something about it 2 weeks ago. We kissed for the first time and it was magical. We slept (no sex) together the day before I left the country for 11 days. It was so nice being able to share that with him. He told me that he loved me. Of course my natural reaction was somewhat shocked so I told him that I cared about him too! I would never admit the L word to someone. NO WAY! So anyway, I leave the country, and while I'm overseas, he tells me that he wants us to go back to just being friends. Defensive Me kicks in and tells him to piss off, naturally. I just got home and he tells me that he's been talking to another girl!!! Another girl that he deeply cares for and wants to date!! Because he thinks that it could be something special! Im sorry, didnt you just tell me that you loved me two weeks ago?!?!?! Did I mention that she is my friend?! And that she is my best friends roommate?!?!? Yep. So I told him it was totally fine and that our time together didnt mean anything. I dont know if he bought it, but he was playing along. We all went out tonight for St. Patty's day, and guess who was there!! Yessss! And they were holding hands! And being all cuddly together! It was truly sickening. I felt terrible for the super attractive guy trying to get in my pants. He was trying so hard, but I just wasnt feeling it. Dorian had all of my attention. Im finally home. Sad. Alone. Texting him. He wants things to go back to how they were before. That cant ever happen. Things have changed too much. I would never admit to how much he has hurt me. It wont change anything, so what's the point? So instead, I tell you. I feel as though my heart has been crushed. More than with any other guy. Because Dorian was one of my best friends. So how could he do this to me? Is he seriously just a complete moron?! I know he doesnt deserve me.... like most of the guys that I date. So does that say something about me? Every single guy that I have dated for the last year, has left me for another girl. Is there something wrong with me? My best friend says I intimidate them , because I hold them to a higher standard than they hold themselves. Or could it be that Im just not good enough? What can you do when your good isnt good enough? When all that you touch tumbles down? How many times will it take for me to get it right...?
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